I Hate Myself

Do I hate myself? No, I don’t hate myself- I love myself but I used to despise myself with the all mighty heart & soul. I thought I didn’t meet beauty standards and I mentally felt retarded because I’ve been highly sensitive, moody, introverted and scarred due to neglect and emotional abuse which occurred throughout my existence. I was disgusted with the size of my body, uneven colour of my skin, stretchmarks, loose skin, a big bum and funny teeth. I went through it all – bullying, an eating disorder, anxiety, depression and panic attacks….

Remember, negative childhood doesn’t guarantee you unhappy life, same with the stable nest- it doesn’t protect you from the bad in the world. It depends on us- humans.

It took me a long while to realise it. I blamed everyone but me because I was convinced that my existence was pitiful and cursed. What I didn’t notice was that I was drawn to negative influences. I can compare it to standing in the middle of the motorway and waiting for being hit by a truck. When I decided to stay away from spiteful parasites and put my well-being on the first place things began to change for better.

Nature helped me a lot together with active meditation. Thich Nhat Hanh has been my mentor. He directed me (through his books) towards the path of mentally sober reality which needs to be challenged and constantly stimulated. The mentally sober reality consist of better, neutral and worse experiences residing in our Universe. It solely depends on us of how we utilize them.

I’ve met good souls including my partner who supports me and understands me. He loves my good sides, emotional quirks and physical appearance – He loves me simply for who I am. Our relationship is based on mutual respect and honesty. He is my life partner whom I love for his true and real self. We are both equal.

I still find myself going through phases of self- pity and despair- especially when I have few obstacles to deal with but I have a better control over it as I know it has been my coping mechanism from as long I can remember. Nobody is perfect 🙂

I’m proud of who I am today and so you should be. We all complex, different and unique.