Do I hate myself? No, I don’t hate myself- I love myself but I used to despise myself with the all mighty heart & soul. I thought I didn’t meet beauty standards and I mentally felt retarded because I’ve been highly sensitive, moody, introverted and scarred due to neglect and emotional abuse which occurred throughout my existence. I was disgusted with the size of my body, uneven colour of my skin, stretchmarks, loose skin, a big bum and funny teeth. I went through it all – bullying, an eating disorder, anxiety, depression and panic attacks….
Remember, negative childhood doesn’t guarantee you unhappy life, same with the stable nest- it doesn’t protect you from the bad in the world. It depends on us- humans.
It took me a long while to realise it. I blamed everyone but me because I was convinced that my existence was pitiful and cursed. What I didn’t notice was that I was drawn to negative influences. I can compare it to standing in the middle of the motorway and waiting for being hit by a truck. When I decided to stay away from spiteful parasites and put my well-being on the first place things began to change for better.
Nature helped me a lot together with active meditation. Thich Nhat Hanh has been my mentor. He directed me (through his books) towards the path of mentally sober reality which needs to be challenged and constantly stimulated. The mentally sober reality consist of better, neutral and worse experiences residing in our Universe. It solely depends on us of how we utilize them.
I’ve met good souls including my partner who supports me and understands me. He loves my good sides, emotional quirks and physical appearance – He loves me simply for who I am. Our relationship is based on mutual respect and honesty. He is my life partner whom I love for his true and real self. We are both equal.
I still find myself going through phases of self- pity and despair- especially when I have few obstacles to deal with but I have a better control over it as I know it has been my coping mechanism from as long I can remember. Nobody is perfect 🙂
I’m proud of who I am today and so you should be. We all complex, different and unique.
How far can a deluded creature wander? Why does a deluded creature refuse to take responsibility for its own actions? It’s so easy to walk in circles justifying misery and own misfortune. A deluded creature finds preying on the lives of others very consoling and soothing. I can compare it to feeding an unfulfilled beast inside their bodies. I’m saddened by the fact that a deluded creature refuses to take life in its hands and move on. It keeps spying on others, blames those around them, rejects beauty of life and a miracle of their own family. A deluded creature keeps poisoning not only its own life but lives of people affected by its distorted thinking path.
Being an adult means making decisions, being responsible and appreciating time left on this Earth attracting and embracing positive energy. It also means filtering people who enter and exit your life. Adults are capable of taking care of themselves. The skid mark of pain that resides in solitude can mentally affect anyone on this planet but it doesn’t take away your brain. If you crave for company occupy yourself, meet with friends & go out (even for a walk). If you crave for love but don’t have anyone in your life call your Mum, Dad, Nan, a cousin, a niece or any existing relative and tell them how much you love them. If you have a child focus on your child. Your child is the most amazing human being who is your closest living relative and who loves you unconditionally. Respect your friends, never let friendship to cross boundaries to become ‘friends with benefits’ crap, do you know why? Because you will most likely become intangled in it & hurt. There won’t be any guilty sides as you have never been forced into anything or foolishly promised sky coated clouds in marshmallows.
I have been through a lot in my life. I have been taught a lot. I don’t consider myself broken or vulnerable ( as one deluded creature has insinuated). I bear the scars of my life experiences with pride and joy because they have made me of who I’m today- a strong and independent woman who embraces her life. My anxiety has always been my partner for life- my dear puppet- yet we’ve made it work in a way that has helped me and other fighters who refuse to give up same as me. At this point in my life I’m ready for a grown up relationship that will lead to start my own family of bears. I have been lucky enough to find and be blessed with a life partner and a soulmate who is ready for and wants the same thing. We both learn from our strong points & imperfections.
A state of being a deluded creature who is slowly changing in to a rotting leech is changeable and it’s only up to that poor deluded creature to start taking care of its own life leaving its past behind focusing on the present moment.