Living in Pain

Every step I take brings me excrutiating pain. I move my body and I experience shattered glass lodged tightly in my back. I remain active despite the pain which makes me question myself-

Am I warrior?

Just a stupidly stubborn person who doesn’t give up but pull through the pain.

I’ve honestly had enough being physically restricted by neverending sensation of stubbing in my back.

I also found a new respect for people who suffer from chronic conditions which are accompanied by the pain. This pregnancy has been truly a humbling experience. It’s made me realise that the feeling of being tired is nothing to complain about where there are milions of people who are limited physicaly or bed ridden.

The picture above represents me in pain caused by sciatica. It portrays the current mood, the colour of it and struggles associated with it.

Dear Mother

Surreal thoughts

Rotten flesh that was left behind my deluded soul. Open wounds and neverending grief courtesy of mental paranormal activities. Unscattered exposed brain presented to the world in the most mesmerising way.

Don’t laugh at me.

Leave me alone.

You don’t understand me.

Don’t change me.

You’ve failed to do it mother.

Rage. Sadness. Anger. Why can’t you understand me? Perhaps you are trapped in your own world while feeding of others like a fucking parasite. Compensating me for your self-appaling ignorance materialisticly won’t console your guilty conscience.

Don’t laught at me.

Don’t ignore me.

Leave me alone.

Let me breath.

You don’t understand me.

Don’t change me.

You’ve failed to do it mother.

Surrounded by demonic potency of the Inner-Self I reach the Garden of Eden. I skipped the Purgatory.

Surprised?

Such an incessant matter of you being constantly unlucky and dissapointed in your own existence. I acquired freedom from my sins.

Don’t laugh at me.

Don’t ignore me.

Leave me alone.

Let me breath.

You don’t understand me.

You’ve failed to do it mother.

I won’t return your love because you were frozen when I needed you the most.

Cranberry Juice in Pregnancy World

Life is real

Pregnancy & mental health

Mental Health See-Saw

I’m pregnant and I suffer from anxiety. I drink cranberry juice instead of gin. I do miss the mighty gin.

Two days ago I felt like my world came crushing down because I have experienced the worst anxiety and panic attack in years. It resulted for me in sobbing and weeping uncontrollably for two days. I convinced myself that my fiance would die in the car accident, that my mother would die due to the heart attack caused by long term family problems, that my father would go back to abusing alcohol and that my brother would commit suicide while being incarcerated. My head felt fuzzy, I was in a daze, it felt like something clicked in my brain and pushed me towards realms of depression. In the past, I allowed myself to slip in to deceiving arms of depression from anxiety and panic attacks periods. I know how this…

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Body & Mind Triggers

Precious Experiences

How to deal with toxic people….

Mental Health See-Saw

You live your life fully, you think you are doing well, you have overcome so much, you are extremely proud of your strength and then baaam… one string of negative situations caused by the presence of a toxic person in your life brings you down to the very low ground. You feel, sad, lost and defeated. You have lost the joy of life and the sadness is eagerly devouring your self- confidence and self- esteem. If you could you would compare yourself to a whale who can’t swim and who is in the middle of the ocean drowning surrounded by active waves and ripples. You keep asking yourself- How does one human being can make you feel miserable? Deep inside, you know that they must be very unhappy with themselves and they simply take it out on you to make themselves feel better. You may pose as a strong person…

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Life is Precious

Motivational Blib Blob

Life is precious. Always strive to improve it mentally.

Mental Health See-Saw

Your life is precious. Don’t neglect it but always strive for more to improve it. Remember, improving your existence doesn’t mean to gain more of the materialistic possessions. It means to acknowledge the present moment. The present moment is

– what you hear

– what you see

– what you smell

– what you physically sense

Stop for a moment and just look around you. Notice details of objects, people and nature surrounding you. Feel the ground under your feet, if you are holding a rail on a bus think about its colour and its surface. It’s very simple. This is what we call active meditation, by actively meditating you are allowing your mind to rest for a while.

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A Crimson Razor Blade

Surreal thoughts

In my dream, I was attached to a crimson razor blade, I had used it to commit suicide in order to get into purgatory to hang out with my relatives and friends. Each time, I had miraculously resurrected my remains from the dead by running away from the light in the tunnel. I had also worked with my dear sharp friend to relieve the anger and fear. I must admit, it was very easy to use, a little malicious bastard knew how to kill the pain instantly through breaking the surface of skin tissue, going straight to the core of a problem.

What happened to the blood, it must have spurted all over the place? ‘No’, the manipulative moron replied- ‘Your blood was drained off to avoid any unnecessary mess in my decaying shed. You have become an obedient creature who is going to live under my conditions….’

I don’t know, I start to panic,

What to do?

What to do? Mum, help me?

I wake up drenched in sweat. Am I afraid of mental pain which never goes away, solitude, or eternal unhappiness?

I pledge to flout convention, reject tradition, and dwell in my own world.