Every step I take brings me excrutiating pain. I move my body and I experience shattered glass lodged tightly in my back. I remain active despite the pain which makes me question myself-
Am I warrior?
Just a stupidly stubborn person who doesn’t give up but pull through the pain.
I’ve honestly had enough being physically restricted by neverending sensation of stubbing in my back.
I also found a new respect for people who suffer from chronic conditions which are accompanied by the pain. This pregnancy has been truly a humbling experience. It’s made me realise that the feeling of being tired is nothing to complain about where there are milions of people who are limited physicaly or bed ridden.
The picture above represents me in pain caused by sciatica. It portrays the current mood, the colour of it and struggles associated with it.
It’s sad to see that people choose wrong paths due to bad life experiences. I have witnessed transformations into selfish , self- centred creatures multiple times. It’s has made me wonder why does it occur so often.
The thought which comes first in to my mind is ‘protection’. Protection from the world, negative people and situations which caused worries and troubles in the past. It gives people a sense of control over their fate and the Universe which is quite helpful because it creates space for healing. The problem arises when a person who has healed rejects admirable values they were known to live by. The rejection of nobility is the easiest option but it disagrees with the inner- self which deep down sounds the alarm of the conflict. The alarm is heard above the surface. Nothing is done about it- the ignorance jumps into place causing even more confusion. Time goes by and the affected individual either changes themselves revealing their true colours or remains in the blisfull false ignorance.
A little tiny dwarf keeps digging holes in the ground to bury other dwarves’ accidental poops. They poop, let her know about the fresh & smelly delivery and expect her to get rid of the turd. The tiny creature considers them to be her friends but for some strange reason they are nowhere to be seen when she has a toilet situation to be assisted with. She thinks she helps them but she doesn’t know that they take advantage of her caring nature. It’s easy to fall into the trap of exploiting dwarves.
Few years ago, I thought doing a lot for others would help me to fill my life with pisitive people. I was very wrong. I filled my life not with the happy & loving beings but preying piranhas. It took me a while to realise the cause of my misery. When I did it I knew that I needed to work on my assertiveness and self- worth. It helped. Don’t be that little miss, be assertive and look after yourself.
Wisdom doesn’t come with age but with experiences. An old person can be foolish, dopey & bitter like a rusty metal bucket with a missing bottom and a fairly young human being with a humongous luggage of life experiences might appear as a creature who doesn’t go in to the idle state of existential hibernation but instead uses it as a guidance for a fulfilling journey in the present moment.
The rebel inside you has woken up again. She travels through your veins nourishing your system with a dosage of excitement and soothing goodness. Nothing matters except you, your pain becomes visible but laughingly harmless. The grudges & regrets creep their way in but your crush their rotten skulls with a cross in the middle filled with lies to million tiny pieces with one bash. You have become immune to the outside world. You look at the other people shallow actions, routines and worries.
Your tell yourself- So what? I don’t give a damn shit about anything that does not agree with me. I continue to live this life my way fully accepting it without time consuming wishful curse full time thinking. I’m grateful for what I have and I embrace it. Whatever is meant to be it will be.
My heart aches when I hear a familiar tune. I feel like something is missing- perhaps a piece of my soul has been taken away, kidnapped and misplaced. Is that it? Does life taste bitter? Where is the sweetness from haunting dreams?
I look through the window the scent from the land of living hits my nostrils, my brain awakens, I want to come out from my burrow to taste, smell, experience and to kill the routine. I’ve decided to mingle with other creatures using a guideline called- The Etiquette. I want everything to be perfect so I read it thoroughly making notes and in the meantime interviewing accomplished familiar faces. Feeling prepared, I go to the city to try my luck. I walk pass multiple places of worship and people in front of them stabbing each other, slitting wrists and slashing throats. The thick and warm crimson coloured blood from severed veins and arteries is spurting all over the floor. Severely and lethally wounded they are still smiling at eachother happily chatting away. I can feel shivers running down my spine and a stomach climbing its way up towards my throat, it’s sickening… People wave at me, they open their arms in an attempt to greet me. They are moving closer and closer leaving a trail of treacly blood behind them, I’m terrified, I splutter something and run as fast as I can back to my burrow. I yelp for some time then I compose myself realising that I’m satisfied with my aching heart as at least it’s not an artificial piece of sponge. I believe there are other people like me.
People, innocent human beings, among them children, all of them living their lives, having commitments, dreams and plans… They don’t know they are going nowhere, in a split second,
everything ends and suffering begins; on the other side are awaiting for the news troubled faces, torn and broken hearts, souls who have just lost the purpose of life…
R.I.P. Dear People & Little Angels
May all these malicious and greedy beasts with blood on their disformed hands pay for everything they have caused!!!