Anxious mind wonders and never stops. It’s up to me how I treat it and how I approach it. I tend to get annoyed at the fact that I always worry too much. I overanalyse different happenings in my life. I let my thoughts be and I block them from affecting my life as much as I can.
It’s only up to you of how you are going to handle the problems. You can either challenge yourself by looking at bothering you issues from a different perspective and transforming your fear into something positive just like this little fella above or stay a cattepilar throughout your whole existence making it almost unbearable.
Do I hate myself? No, I don’t hate myself- I love myself but I used to despise myself with the all mighty heart & soul. I thought I didn’t meet beauty standards and I mentally felt retarded because I’ve been highly sensitive, moody, introverted and scarred due to neglect and emotional abuse which occurred throughout my existence. I was disgusted with the size of my body, uneven colour of my skin, stretchmarks, loose skin, a big bum and funny teeth. I went through it all – bullying, an eating disorder, anxiety, depression and panic attacks….
Remember, negative childhood doesn’t guarantee you unhappy life, same with the stable nest- it doesn’t protect you from the bad in the world. It depends on us- humans.
It took me a long while to realise it. I blamed everyone but me because I was convinced that my existence was pitiful and cursed. What I didn’t notice was that I was drawn to negative influences. I can compare it to standing in the middle of the motorway and waiting for being hit by a truck. When I decided to stay away from spiteful parasites and put my well-being on the first place things began to change for better.
Nature helped me a lot together with active meditation. Thich Nhat Hanh has been my mentor. He directed me (through his books) towards the path of mentally sober reality which needs to be challenged and constantly stimulated. The mentally sober reality consist of better, neutral and worse experiences residing in our Universe. It solely depends on us of how we utilize them.
I’ve met good souls including my partner who supports me and understands me. He loves my good sides, emotional quirks and physical appearance – He loves me simply for who I am. Our relationship is based on mutual respect and honesty. He is my life partner whom I love for his true and real self. We are both equal.
I still find myself going through phases of self- pity and despair- especially when I have few obstacles to deal with but I have a better control over it as I know it has been my coping mechanism from as long I can remember. Nobody is perfect 🙂
I’m proud of who I am today and so you should be. We all complex, different and unique.
The venomous thoughts are creeping into my already fragile and destroyed mind. Their mission is to wrap themselves around remaining healthy cells and strangle them to death. I keep pushing them away as far as I can do but they keep coming back in the new form. They disguise themselves in various sophisticated ways. It’s easy to say – ‘Learn to live with it ‘ but to experience it on daily basis is bloody paralysing. It leaves you traumatised for good few minutes and you begin to question yourself about your sanity. But on the other hand there is beauty in it, without anxiety I wouldn’t be able to experience all sort of twisted emotions so I accept my partner for life and exist with it in peace.