Religious Trap

What if you are stuck in the religious trap ?

Mental Health See-Saw

I have been through a lot, I have seen a lot and I have learnt a lot. What I have learnt about life is that it’s made of choices. We are decision makers not the Mighty God in heaven. Being brought up as a Roman Catholic I was always forced to believe that nothing is in my power, my destiny has been decided for me and I can’t do anything about it. I remember ( as a child) attending the mass at our local church and listening to a priest talking about sins, purgatory, hell and heaven. There was a set of rules to avoid further suffering after life ( the life is meant to be a nasty long trial which leads to heaven or hell) : confession, money donation, frequent church attendance, prayer, prayer, prayer and overwhelming fear of everything which might be considered evil ( because that surely…

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Bullied Soul

Bullying.

Mental Health See-Saw

Poor and innocent teenage soul on the verge of suicide due to lack of acceptance. It’s a simple game – if you don’t fit in you loose. Brought up Christian, escaped neutral believer and remained scarred for life. Your brain is complex, if you are blessed with exceptional perception of the world then you are gifted and cursed at the same time. Why? Because you are considered to be a Highly Sensitive Person who is not understood or recognised by common society. You are spat at with labels: “Shy”, “Queit”, “Introvert” and all you want to scream is- ” Mind your fucking business, you self labelled all mighty extrovert.” You want to breath and be yourself but you find it very hard in this shallow and constantly preying for your mistakes world. You escape to God in fear or in a clearer state of mind to Inner- Self trying to…

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Music is my Survival Mode

There is nothing better than a soul comforted by music. It keeps me alive. It keeps me going. It reminds me that my Inner- self is there for me when the world around mentally crashes me in to pieces. Tune in to musically enhanced survival mode if you want to stay your real self.

Eating Disorder

The story about my struggle with the eating disorder.

Mental Health See-Saw

I had suffered from an eating disorder for many years. I used to emotionally overeat (binge), starve myself and exercise in order to burn the calories I had consumed. It was impossible for me to eat in public places as I felt constantly observed and looked at by strangers. I hated my body and I felt ashamed of it. I avoided mirrors at any cost because in my opinion I didn’t meet the beauty standards. I mentally abused myself by calling my body & inner-self names-” Ugly pig”, “Disgusting fat monster”, “Fat retard”, “Fat looser”etc. I didn’t feel worth of being loved and cared for. I had isolated myself from the world and let the abuse from myself & my ex to take over my life.

It took me a long time to overcome horrible thoughts and overwhelming emotional state which encouraged frequent and regular binge eating sessions. I used…

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Protection

It’s sad to see that people choose wrong paths due to bad life experiences. I have witnessed transformations into selfish , self- centred creatures multiple times. It’s has made me wonder why does it occur so often. 

The thought which comes first in to my mind is ‘protection’. Protection from the world, negative people and situations which caused worries and troubles in the past. It gives people a sense of control over their fate and the Universe which is quite helpful because it creates space for healing. The problem arises when a person who has healed rejects admirable values they were known to live by. The rejection of nobility is the easiest option but it disagrees with the inner- self which deep down sounds the alarm of the conflict. The alarm is heard above the surface. Nothing is done about it- the ignorance jumps into place causing even more confusion. Time goes by and the affected individual either changes themselves revealing their true colours or remains in the blisfull false ignorance.  

Wisdom

Wisdom doesn’t come with age but with experiences. An old person can be foolish, dopey & bitter like a rusty metal bucket with a missing bottom and a fairly young human being with a humongous luggage of life experiences might appear as a creature who doesn’t go in to the idle state of existential hibernation but instead uses it as a guidance for a fulfilling journey in the present moment. 

My Concrete Shelter

The wine made of fermented grapes with a note of decadence tastes good with a bittersweet chunk of ice cold sorrow. I’m sipping the elixir of sadness while sitting at the oblong charcoal table waiting for the purple skulls to arrive. Purple skulls have one decaying body and 6 heads multiplying by 666. Each of them represents a painful experience and chaos, there is one head among them sticking out bravely, it’s made of a crimson crystal clear material which was dug from the deepest reachable point of the earth therefore it is indestructible. The skull in the middle holds all the positivity and decent memories which has taken place while stomping on the ground. An optimist would say- the unstained beauty of life. I stand up impatiently waiting for my friend to arrive, bored, I reach for a knife and tear into pieces holy books I have been collecting over the years in my strenuous attempt to find a golden key to happiness. They belong to multiple flocks. I tear them apart, shredding them into thin rumpled pieces, I do in a rush to save myself more time to enjoy the last moments of self- pity before the arrival of my dear friend. I hear repetitive knocking at the massive metal door of my ivory suffocated grey concrete shed in the middle of the forest which never has been found or discovered. There are trees, bushes and overgrown weed in the meadow, my so called temple is in the middle of the swamp, so it’s well protected and separated from the rest of the area. I rush to open the door, the force radiating from the skulls hits me, I can’t comprehend it as its of unknown source but I fully embrace it. I leave my concrete shelter and occasionally appear among other human beings with my wisdom made of pieces of life experiences.