Do I hate myself? No, I don’t hate myself- I love myself but I used to despise myself with the all mighty heart & soul. I thought I didn’t meet beauty standards and I mentally felt retarded because I’ve been highly sensitive, moody, introverted and scarred due to neglect and emotional abuse which occurred throughout my existence. I was disgusted with the size of my body, uneven colour of my skin, stretchmarks, loose skin, a big bum and funny teeth. I went through it all – bullying, an eating disorder, anxiety, depression and panic attacks….
Remember, negative childhood doesn’t guarantee you unhappy life, same with the stable nest- it doesn’t protect you from the bad in the world. It depends on us- humans.
It took me a long while to realise it. I blamed everyone but me because I was convinced that my existence was pitiful and cursed. What I didn’t notice was that I was drawn to negative influences. I can compare it to standing in the middle of the motorway and waiting for being hit by a truck. When I decided to stay away from spiteful parasites and put my well-being on the first place things began to change for better.
Nature helped me a lot together with active meditation. Thich Nhat Hanh has been my mentor. He directed me (through his books) towards the path of mentally sober reality which needs to be challenged and constantly stimulated. The mentally sober reality consist of better, neutral and worse experiences residing in our Universe. It solely depends on us of how we utilize them.
I’ve met good souls including my partner who supports me and understands me. He loves my good sides, emotional quirks and physical appearance – He loves me simply for who I am. Our relationship is based on mutual respect and honesty. He is my life partner whom I love for his true and real self. We are both equal.
I still find myself going through phases of self- pity and despair- especially when I have few obstacles to deal with but I have a better control over it as I know it has been my coping mechanism from as long I can remember. Nobody is perfect 🙂
I’m proud of who I am today and so you should be. We all complex, different and unique.
As I walk I breath…. but how do I breath? Am I occupied with bombarding and tormenting thoughts? Is my mind tortured and afraid of the future? Do I keep asking myself
– what if………?
Present moment is the only way of spiritual & personal freedom. What counts appears here and now. I’ve found myself so many times being calmed down and soothed by the healing power of nature. It doesn’t cost anything. It requires an effort of coming out of the crowded space in to the green/ brown/ grey sanctuary depends on the season. The healing beauty is around us it just needs to be noticed and acknowledged.
As I was walking on the street covered in debris I stumbled upon a building which emanated terrifying and seductive energy. I was immediately drawn to it. Excited and hopeful I entered the house made of gold and silver tiles. The house didn’t have rooms but was a triangular open area. In the middle of it was sitting a transparent creature who introduced himself as ‘ Freddie’. Freddie didn’t look happy or sad but agitated. He was holding a crimson sack which was made of suede fabric. I must admit , I liked the colour and I was tempted to touch it but my Inner- self stopped me. I attempted to start a conversation with Freddie by saying old and well known – ‘ How are you Freddie?’. Freddie didn’t respond but opened the sack instead. Despite the fact that I stood few metres away from Freddie I still could see what was inside the bag. I saw money, gold , silver , jewellery and an envelope signed as – ‘ Neverending happiness , good luck and wealthy life’. I stepped back and ran away.
I don’t believe in wealthy life without worries, problems and troubles. I believe that the negativity in our lives helps balance the positivity. It creates a healthy and steady bridge between our mental and physical health. Building that bridge is the most difficult part as it requires gratitude and humbleness. The inner- self helps us to find the gaps in our lives that need to be filled with learnt lessons and positive energy. Once the voids are sealed mental wounds can begin to heal. There will be scars which will accompany us till the rest of our lives. I treat my painful mental marks with love & understanding as they remind me of my courage and braverery.
Mental scars and wounds have made me of who I am today – a strong , flawed and a resilient woman who lives her simple life by following her conscience and heart and by listening to her twin – the Inner- self. I view my inner- self as my twin sister- a fearless and reckless version of me who rejects threats of the outside world. My ‘twin’ constantly strives for more and is not afraid. My life has improved since I have learnt to look deep inside myself and became aware of the present moment. I have rejected materialistic believes and pleasures. I have learnt to love myself. I have stopped looking for acceptance and approval from others. I have stopped hoping for better times to come. I have started embracing life and all its aspects. Here and now is crucial. When worries and problems come I slow down and take a break but I don’t put myself down anymore. I release negativity through tears, get up and go. Most of all, I allow my loved ones to be there for me. Shit comes, happens, goes and leaves us with new life lessons which enrich our lives. Although it’s been 5 years since I transformed my life I still learn and I won’t stop!
Thich Nhat Hanh has taught me a lot with his full of wisdom writings.
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I walk on the path of life. I take every step mindfully and with grace occasionally tripping over rocks left by morons. I admire surrounding me picture. I wonder if it’s real or if it’s just my own perception. As I take every step I think deeply about
and the future.
I analyse every minute of my life. My mind produces vivid images adding its own photographs of assumption and imagination. I stop it. I choose to reminisce about what happened picking up good memories. I reject fortune- telling. I focus on the present moment letting the universe to embrace me and rock me in its arms.
“We have to walk in a way that we only print peace and serenity on the Earth. Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.”
Thich Nhat Hanh