Do I hate myself? No, I don’t hate myself- I love myself but I used to despise myself with the all mighty heart & soul. I thought I didn’t meet beauty standards and I mentally felt retarded because I’ve been highly sensitive, moody, introverted and scarred due to neglect and emotional abuse which occurred throughout my existence. I was disgusted with the size of my body, uneven colour of my skin, stretchmarks, loose skin, a big bum and funny teeth. I went through it all – bullying, an eating disorder, anxiety, depression and panic attacks….
Remember, negative childhood doesn’t guarantee you unhappy life, same with the stable nest- it doesn’t protect you from the bad in the world. It depends on us- humans.
It took me a long while to realise it. I blamed everyone but me because I was convinced that my existence was pitiful and cursed. What I didn’t notice was that I was drawn to negative influences. I can compare it to standing in the middle of the motorway and waiting for being hit by a truck. When I decided to stay away from spiteful parasites and put my well-being on the first place things began to change for better.
Nature helped me a lot together with active meditation. Thich Nhat Hanh has been my mentor. He directed me (through his books) towards the path of mentally sober reality which needs to be challenged and constantly stimulated. The mentally sober reality consist of better, neutral and worse experiences residing in our Universe. It solely depends on us of how we utilize them.
I’ve met good souls including my partner who supports me and understands me. He loves my good sides, emotional quirks and physical appearance – He loves me simply for who I am. Our relationship is based on mutual respect and honesty. He is my life partner whom I love for his true and real self. We are both equal.
I still find myself going through phases of self- pity and despair- especially when I have few obstacles to deal with but I have a better control over it as I know it has been my coping mechanism from as long I can remember. Nobody is perfect 🙂
I’m proud of who I am today and so you should be. We all complex, different and unique.
I believe the Inner-self protects us. It guards us and senses the danger in the negative energy thrown at us by others. It sounds very surrealistic but I have experienced it multiple times. I have met people who emanates the evil and thrives on others’ misfortune and unhappiness. Someone would say that it’s purely a defence mechanism and way of coping with obstacles. It’s a logical explanation which from the psychological point of view makes a lot of sense. I’m a spiritual person. I like to call myself a happy hippy who rejects materialistic way of life and embraces the natural side of it. I have worked with a person who emanates the negative energy for three and half years. She claims to be a devoted Christian who is a creature without a flaw. She smiles at misfortune of others, wishes things to go wrong for them – especially if it means a good and positive outcome for her- benefits in any form. She always shares her troubles and worries and expects compassion in return. I consider her to be an emotional parasite but from the spiritual & spiritual side I believe that my Inner-self fights whatever she throws at me. I have become immuned to paralysing toxicity.
Below are two helpful starterts which may help you to find the answer based on the thoughtful contemplation.
If you always do your best, stay active, catch the opportunities thrown at you, get up and go despite various problems , see the half-empty glass as half-full and embrace you existence being happy with most of the aspects of it then the answer is yes.
If you constantly complain, wait for better times to come, stay idle despite the world waiting for you with open arms and run away from problems instead of dealing with them then the answer is no.
The choice is yours!!! Remember we are not immortal and time flies by 😊