Protection

The world

It’s sad to see that people choose wrong paths due to bad life experiences. I have witnessed transformations into selfish , self- centred creatures multiple times. It’s has made me wonder why does it occur so often. 

The thought which comes first in to my mind is ‘protection’. Protection from the world, negative people and situations which caused worries and troubles in the past. It gives people a sense of control over their fate and the Universe which is quite helpful because it creates space for healing. The problem arises when a person who has healed rejects admirable values they were known to live by. The rejection of nobility is the easiest option but it disagrees with the inner- self which deep down sounds the alarm of the conflict. The alarm is heard above the surface. Nothing is done about it- the ignorance jumps into place causing even more confusion. Time goes by and the affected individual either changes themselves revealing their true colours or remains in the blisfull false ignorance.  

I Hate Myselfย 

Life is real, Uncategorized

Do I hate myself? No, I don’t hate myself- I love myself  but I used to despise myself with the all mighty heart & soul. I thought I didn’t meet beauty standards and I mentally felt retarded because I’ve been highly sensitive, moody, introverted and scarred due to neglect and emotional abuse which occurred throughout my existence. I was disgusted with the size of my body, uneven colour of my skin, stretchmarks, loose skin, a big bum and funny teeth. I went through it all –  bullying, an eating disorder, anxiety, depression and panic attacks….

Remember, negative childhood doesn’t guarantee you unhappy life, same with the stable nest- it doesn’t protect you from the bad in the world. It depends on us- humans.

It took me a long while to realise it. I blamed everyone but me because I was convinced that my existence was pitiful and cursed. What I didn’t notice was that I was drawn to negative influences. I can compare it to standing in the middle of the motorway and waiting for being hit by a truck. When I decided to stay away from spiteful parasites and put my well-being on the first place things began to change for better.

Nature helped me a lot together with active meditation. Thich Nhat Hanh has been my mentor. He directed me (through his books) towards the path of mentally sober reality which needs to be challenged and constantly stimulated.  The mentally sober reality consist of better, neutral and worse experiences residing in our Universe. It solely depends on us of how we utilize them.

I’ve met good souls including my partner who supports me and understands me. He loves my good sides, emotional quirks and physical appearance – He loves me simply for who I am. Our relationship is based on mutual respect and honesty. He is my life partner whom I love for his true and real self. We are both equal.

I still find myself going through phases of self- pity and despair- especially when I have few obstacles to deal with but I have a better control over it as I know it has been my coping mechanism from as long I can remember. Nobody is perfect ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m proud of who I am today and so you should be. We all complex, different and unique.

Good & Bad

Precious Experiences

I believe in the positive power of the Universe. In my imagination it’s looks like a giant old fashioned weighing scale of good & bad deeds. When one side is tipped over to the other  side (it doesn’t matter good or bad) then second one jumps into place to even it up. The balance is the key to a peaceful life. What one forgets is how to tackle miscellaneous occurences & hapenings. If positive & negative mixture is tackled with wisdom & sensible mind then things will fall into place. 

Don’t fight the Universe just go with its flow and try to follow your conscience & heart ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š Simply be a good person ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

Peace within my Soul

Precious Experiences

It’s Tuesday morning and I’m awaiting for the interview. For a highly sensitive person like me it’s a huge challenge because my brain rushes and processes milion thoughts and possibilities at the same time. It leaves me with a head which feels like a ticking bomb from the Bomberman. The factors that contribute to this state of mind are not only internal but also external. Fair enough for my brain to rush with thoughts like a speedy oyster running away from the coyote but on the top of that lovely chocolate layer of thoughts I have the whole external world and happenings bursting with joy and happily contributing  to my well being making it feel like a rollercoaster. 

How do I cope ?

I sit down, look and listen. I acknowledge the fact that I’m in the present moment. I can feel my feet touching the ground. I enjoy breathing in and out. I use my eyes to observe people and surroundings. I listen to their feet moving in a fast and steady pace, I can hear a piano playing tunes in the background. I’m one unique individual who cherishes the fact of being alive.

Peace & Love can conquer the bad and bring back the good. Fate & Universe is all we need. Active meditation is a powerful tool to heal and help to move forward even if you feel like the Bomberman ๐Ÿ˜Š

Happiness

Life is real

Happiness is not what we receive from others but what we do with ‘gifts’ from the Universe. These wonderful magical experiences enter our world as opportunities and occurrences which should be noticed, welcomed and cherished. 

Gratitude and positivity are guardians of the happiness. Without their presence our lives won’t fill with a long lasting and rich effect of fulfilment surrounding by  the positive energy. 

The Joy

Mesmerising Beauty

One thing that awakens my soul and drags my inner self out from the layers of everyday tasks and commitments resides everywhere in nature. I can’t describe the joy I feel when I enter the park and see vibrant colours around me,  when I smell the scent of flowers, trees and decaying leaves covering the ground. It connects me with the Universe and makes me feel special . 

My Well

Precious Experiences

I imagine life to be an endless well without a bottom. Someone placed you just on the edge of it before you were born and then after  birth pushed you down into a never-ending hole wishing you – ”The best of luck’. This is where your life begins. You constantly fall at a speed that changes frequently. A slower pace is equal to good periods of your existence and a faster speed means problematic occurrences. 

Few years ago I was afraid of my well because I had experienced so much negativity during childhood, puberty and early adulthood. My father is a recovering alcoholic, my mother suffered from anxiety & depression, I had been bullied at school for three years, I had been married for five years to a person who had abused me emotionally and physically, I had suffered from an eating disorder and a depression and finally I have had anxiety since I was seven – years old. It occasionally affects my speech. 

I know very well that other people have struggled with a lot more than I ever did. Please, remember that everyone has their own limit and different happenings affect them in various ways. I’m not looking for any compassion but I want to share with you what I have learnt from my experiences.

  I tried so hard to run away from life . I hid from it, I looked for a reason of me being unhappy but I forgot about one important aspect- it was me who put myself in certain positions and situations because I focused so much on being lonely, sad & unhappy. 

One day, I woke up, looked in the mirror and told myself  – ‘ You are great, beautiful, talented because you are unique. There is no other person like you on the planet Earth. You can sob and complain about your life or change it.’

It took me three years to free myself from my ex husband. It took me another two years to gain back my confidence and happiness by appreciating the presence and what the Universe has given me. I keep in touch with my parents. I don’t hold any grudges. It’s not a fairy tale, my life hasn’t magically changed. My existence  is still far from being perfect. I struggle with things, I have problems like everybody else but I’m lucky because I’ve found myself.  I have discovered the appreciation and gratitude for simple things in life. My inner self  who had been suffocated and strangled by my fears for atleast 15 years  is finally present in my life. It consoles my soul and soothes my heart.